Sherlock goes on Take Me Out!
by Chandy-girl
Summary: Sherlock goes on the dating show - Take Me Out. Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Well, I'm back. This is going to make more sense to British people who spend some Saturday nights doing nothing like me and watching crap TV. For those of you who do not have the joy of Take Me Out on your TV, it's basically a dating game show, where a man can win a date. Wiki it. This a crack fic in case you haven't worked it out. As always, Sherlock (I wish) and Take Me Out (thank God) do not belong to me. I have made up all the girls, and due to rules, I have made up a host, Phil. Sorry Paddy.

Sherlock stood at the top of the lift, wondering how the hell he had got there. This was all John's fault. John Bloody Watson and his stupid ideas. And possibly some of Sherlock's stupid ego, but he was never going to admit to that. It started off with a bet, a bet that escalated and now could end up in total humiliation. They were watching Saturday night television with Chinese takeout, it being a slow week and them having no cases on. They had flicked over from a repeat of Doctor Who, due to Sherlock pointing out every scientific inaccuracy possible ("She can't be their daughter! Look at the way she's standing!") and onto Take Me Out.

"What is this rubbish, John?"

"This, Sherlock, is Saturday night prime time TV"

They sat and watched for a few minutes.

"So is this why most of the population's has brains made up of mush? This show is enough to reduce anyone's brain into goo…"

"Shut up and watch, Sherlock."

So he had sat through the entire show, watching 4 idiots getting turned down by 30 girls. He watched them perform like circus ponies and reveal secrets to national television just to gain a date.

"Well it showed an interesting side of human nature," he said once it had finished.

"I'm glad you saw the bonus points of it."

"Still, it's a side I never want to see again," he said picking up his violin.

"C'mon Sherlock, doing that takes courage."

"Courage? More like stupidity," he snorted, "Courage is fighting off a underground cult of Chinese mafia. Not appearing on… That."

"I bet you wouldn't have the balls to do it."

"I have balls."

"Prove it."

And that's how he ended up here.

John even managed to get a crowd to come. Molly, Mycroft, Mrs Hudson, Lestrade and those who wanted to see him humiliated: Anderson and Donovan. Actually, they were all there to see him humiliated.

He closed his eyes and let the music wash over him as he went down. Beethoven's Violin Concerto in D major. One of his favourites, and one that summed him up perfectly in his mind: elegant, high flown and superior. And on a simplistic level: he likes to play the violin. He walked out into the light and straight to Phil Anston. Now here was an interesting chap. Full grey suit, open collar, shirt slightly untucked: prefers to be dressed casually but feels like this attire suits the show more. Wedding band shiny, which he occasionally twists: recently married. Sherlock continued to spot things, making him feel more comfortable about where he was.

"Look at this fine specimen, ladies" Phil roared clapping Sherlock around the shoulder. Sherlock resisted the urge to run as fast as possible from this man and gave a forced smile instead.

"Hello, my name is Sherlock and I am from London."

The crowd went wild, why Sherlock didn't know.

"Girls, I give you Sherlock, now, are you turned on, or turned off?"

10 lights went red. Obviously some people had no appreciation for classical music.

"It's OK, decent number left," Phil said warmly to Sherlock, "I'll go have a chat with the girls."

"Annie," he roared stopping beside a dyed platinum blond haired girl with far too much make up, Sherlock couldn't even be bothered to analyse, "Why are you turned off?"

"Well, Phil," she turned to Sherlock, "This is nothing against you or anything," South East London accent, Sherlock noted, "But I think you're far too sophisticated for me, that's all. I'm not really into classical music or nuffin." Damn right I'm too sophisticated for you.

"Sherlock," said Phil almost sadly, "What do you make of that?"

Sherlock had a split second to think of a reply did not make him sound like, as John likes to refer to him, a dick.

"While I do like the finer things in life," The crowd went 'ooohhh', "I'm not entirely sophisticated; I spend too much time in the café next to my flat to be wholly refined," he finished with a small (and what he hoped charming, smile). He was pleased, he hadn't lied at all, (or he forfeits to John) and he hadn't sounded like a dick.

"And Kaitlin," said Phil moving on, stopping by a tall brunette with green eyes and, a thought that briefly flitted through Sherlock's brain, a charming smile, "Why is your light, still on?"

"Well, Phil," her voice was quite nice too; another thought that flitted through Sherlock's brain, "I do enjoy the finer things in life too," the way she said it made it sound like there was an innuendo in there, but Sherlock could not think of any.

"Right then ladies," said Phil moving on, "Let's see what you think after round 2!"

Sherlock had to stifle a groan as the video began. Of course, he knew what was in his parts; it was just bits with his family and friends that was going to be the problem...

A/N: So, this is my return. And first multi-chapter story. Please give me a review :)


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Wow, I'm churning these chapters out faster than I thought. Must be down to the amazing reviews I got. Thanks guys! Anyway, on with the show….

_Video:_

"I think what I need most in a girl," Sherlock said from outside Baker Street, "Is the ability to keep up with me," he finished with a small smile.

The shot changed to Sherlock sitting in an armchair inside Baker Street, "I do live a faced paced life, physically," shot changed to Sherlock madly running down a street, "And mentally," then another shot of Sherlock sitting in St. Bart's with his microscope. "I am a consulting detective, meaning I help out the police when they need advice," The screen changed to Sherlock and Lestrade talking, deep in conversation.

The screen then changed to John on the armchair. "Sherlock is… Well most of the time, Sherlock is completely indescribable. And I of all people should know what to say, considering I spend every day with him. We live together. No- not like that. We're flatmates. In different bedrooms. Anyway, Sherlock, he has to be the most intelligent person I've ever met, but more importantly, his heart is in the right place. Most of the time."

Back to Sherlock, "I think what I need most in a woman is an open mind. I'm not well, a conventional sort of man. My line of work is a little risky, but no more than a police job, but you can't deny, it is very exciting," The scene swapped to Sherlock playing the violin, "I have to admit, I'm not that experienced with women, as my job has consumed my life, but now I'm ready to get into the dating game, so to speak," he broke into laughter.

The screen shot to Mrs Hudson, "Oh Sherlock, he's a lovely boy really, he's really not as peculiar as he seems. He actually helped me out when I was in a spot of bother with my husband. Made him disappear. No, not literally, of course…" she trailed off with a nervous laugh.

"I have to admit, I have some peculiar, eerm habits… But I am a certified genius, so I am entitled to a little eccentricity. I don't really see my habits as bizarre, but I have been told, I'm not exactly 'normal', but who likes 'normal anyway?" He sipped at a cup of coffee.

"Sherlock? Eccentric?" began John, "Eccentric doesn't begin to describe Sherlock…" flashed to Sherlock throwing darts at a board with letters, dressed only in a sheet, "But, I'm not going to lie, idiosyncrasies aside, there is never a dull moment with Sherlock Holmes. He makes life interesting."

"One of my favourite things to do," said Sherlock, leading the cameraman into his room, "Is to conduct experiments," he gave a crazy maniacal grin, "See right now, I have an experiment on the effects of different acids on bones," he opened the box and three rabbit bones had crumbled to different extents. The camera moved back a little, almost as if the cameraman had taken a step back.

The audience went, "Ewwwwww"

Mrs Hudson tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, "Sherlock may be a bit… weird, at times, but he's a good, decent man, who works to help people. And I think no amount of strangeness should put someone off a good man," She leaned forward slightly, "They're a rare catch after all."

"As a consulting detective, I can assure you, you will never be bored with me around. I can really see a person, but don't worry I'll try not to examine you too thoroughly," he said with a hint of a flirty smile, and the scene cut to Sherlock pouring over a laptop for a mock case, "I am probably the most intelligent man you will ever met, so there's always something to talk about with me," There was suddenly a montage off all the previous scenes, "I think I am an excellent person to date, there's never a dull moment with me, and well, what's life without a little fun…"

_End video_

Sherlock glanced around. Another 10 lights gone. To be honest, he was surprised he had got that many thanks to that pile of shite. Even he wouldn't date himself after that. Well, that's a lie, of course he would date himself, in his eyes he was goddamn perfect.

"Again, not too bad," started Phil, "10 girls still left. Though I have to ask you, do you really keep bones in your bedroom?"

"You should see what I keep in the fridge," replied Sherlock and the audience laughed. Oh, if only he was joking…

"Right, I'm off to talk to the girls," said Phil and he came to pause by a small, thin girl, with black hair and pale skin, "Jenny, why did you switch off?"

"Oh Phil, I don't know, I like a bit of outrageousness in a man, but I feel like he may be pushing that too far," she glanced at Sherlock, "Sorry, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all"

"Anastasia," began Phil walking over to the other side, to stop by a blond girl in a flowery dress, "No lighty?"

"No lighty," said Anastasia, "You know, when you came down, I thought you weren't really my type of guy, but I thought I'll see what you we're like, but sorry, I just couldn't live with the lifestyle you have."

"And you, Raine," he said to the Indian girl next to her, with black, curly hair that floated above her shoulders and a huge grin, "Why is your light still on?"

"Firstly, I'm a vet, so bones and gore don't scare me," she grinned at Sherlock, '_Impressive' _he thought, "And secondly, have you heard him speak! You have the sexiest voice I have ever heard!"

"Sherlock, what do you make of that; the sexiest voice she's ever heard, eh? That must be some achievement!"

'_What nonsense does this man talk?'_ thought Sherlock, with a flicker of annoyance, 'The girl seems interesting though', "Well, Phil, I'm sure I can show her some sexier things about me," _'Battle nonsense with more nonsense' and the crowd went wild._

Phil walked to Sherlock, "Our girls have started to show some interest into our detective here, but after further investigation, will he still make the cut? We'll find out after round 3, and remember girls, no likey, no lighty!"

A/N: Well there's another one. Please review :)


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: New chapter! And boy was this hard to write. Once again thanks for the reviews, and you should probably thank my friend K for the fast updates, for the extreme amount of pushing :P

Sherlock was once again in the lift. It was the commercial break so he had enough time to get ready for his 'talent'. The first half of the show hadn't gone too badly, 10 lights still remaining and, although he would never admit it, some of the girls had caught his eye. He was going to kill John for saying those things about him on national television. And he was pretty sure he would be unable to show his face in Scotland Yard again.

Trying to pick a talent was another problem. Sherlock knew he was a man of many talents, but picking one was difficult. He wanted to stand out. Playing the violin? Too mundane, anyone can learn the violin. Sherlock was a show off, and he had a chance to show off on national television. So he would do what he did best. Unfortunately, the producers had insisted he had a 'change of costume', and as he didn't have the thinking time to waste on such a pointless thought he decided to change his suit. Then they said that wasn't enough, so he got his coat that he normally wore on cases, and after much begging from the producers and John, he put on the deerstalker hat that he once worn and was in every national print.

Sherlock skipped out of the lift with a little wave. He saw out of the corner of his eye that some of the girls seemed a bit apprehensive of his outfit, but no lights off. Some, on the other hand, by the straightening of their backs in apprehension, we're relishing his new outfit. Nothing like an ego boost to get you going.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Sherlock addressed the audience, "As said before, I am Sherlock Holmes, detective extraordinaire, and I am here to prove it."

He saw Phil twitch in apprehension. In rehearsal he

had not done what he was about to do, but his skill was well known.

"But first off all I need an assistant," he did a dramatic twirl for what seemed like effect, but it was really to see how the girls were responding. Again no lights off, they were spellbound. "I will need a member from the audience, randomly selected so everyone knows I have never met or seen this person before in my life. To ensure randomness, I will throw my hat into the crowd," In reality he just wanted to get rid of the damn thing.

The hat landed somewhere and a girl shrieked. From the shriek, Sherlock could tell she was a teenager. Boring, so he said, "And can the lovely lady who caught that throw it someone else?" A young man stood up, "Brilliant, sir, can you come down here please?"

The man walked down the stairs and as he did, Sherlock mentally prepared. Another quick glance, all lights still on.

"Right sir, firstly, can you give me permission to analyse you to the best of my ability?" He heard a buzzer go off, but he didn't care, he was getting a metaphorical buzz himself.

The man laughed, _'Even better, I love it when someone doubts me'_, "Sure knock yourself out, I'm Chris by the way"

"Great, good to meet you, Chris", Sherlock lent forward to shake his hand. Perfect. He clapped his hands together, "Alright, everyone, I am going to start off with some basic bits about Chris. Should be standard to see," He turned to Chris, "You are an investment banker, but originally had an art degree. You cut contact with your parents years ago after they told you that you would get nowhere with an art degree and you refuse to talk to them right now because you know deep down, they were right. However, even though you secretly cherish the idea that one day you may become a famous jeweller, you are perfectly content with your job, mostly because of the money you make, but also you have found this arrogant, brash side of yourself, that you've been all too willing to accept. You are a non-smoker, but during your teenage years you had experimented with cannabis. You also liked to do other 'experiments' during your teen years, and I'm not talking about the scientific ones," Sherlock paused letting his victim- sorry volunteer, have the information sink in, and quickly turned his head, 2 lights more lights off, but the rest were astounded, "Am I right?"

"Ho- ho- ho –ho-" Sherlock briefly thought his stutters made him sound like Father Christmas, he permitted himself to a private smirk, "-How did you know?"

"Simple. You're clothes are designer, far too expensive for an average person your age to wear out; that said a normal person may have indulged themselves for one piece of expensive clothing, but you're fully kitted out in it, suggesting these are daily clothes of yours. Expensive clothes, you must have a well-paid job, and the only type of people who are going to be as obnoxiously, in your face, with their expensive clothes is going to be a banker. I could tell you were an 'ex artist' also by the clothes. Skinny jeans and loose t-shirts may be the uniform of the 'expressive' youth of today, but there's more than that. You're little finger has a bronze ring on it. Engraved and obviously hand made. But you wear it. Not from an artistic girlfriend, I can tell you're single by the way you kept glancing at the girls behind me, so the only person you care about it yourself. And as a banker, you don't have the time to take twilight courses in art or pottery, so you must have an art degree. Therefore you must be an investment banker because it is the easiest to get an internship in it. By your age and the clothes you wear, you must have climbed to the top pretty easily, and the only way you do that in any job is by having a dominant personality, something you must have embraced. You wear the ring as a reminder that you could've had a career in art and you hope one day you could go back to it. The wanting to be a jeweller is obvious, from the ring. How do I know you cut off contact with your parents? By the size of the ring. Little finger. Not a usual place to wear a ring, but someone with smaller, ring suited fingers would be a woman. Your mother to be more precise. You made her that ring to show her your talent, and she threw it back in your face, probably because she didn't want you to take the degree. Now you wear it to remind yourself how she treated you, but you can't help but think how she was right about you not getting anywhere with an art degree. Non-smoker, well you don't show any of the symptoms with someone with a nicotine addiction, however you have a few dilated blood vessels in your eyes, reminiscent of someone who used to have a drug problem. However, you are clean now, and the symptoms aren't prominent, so it must have been your teenage years. How can I possibly tell about the bi-curiousness? Well no one can wear a shirt that fluorescent and not have experimented with the same sex, if you get my drift."

There was silence then someone in the audience clapped once. Soon Sherlock had a round of applause. _'God I love ego boosts'_ thought Sherlock. Chris walked solemnly back to his seat.

Phil approached Sherlock, "Mate, that was- that was-," Sherlock really wished people would stop stuttering around him, _'I know I'm awe inspiring and all, but seriously…'_, "That was incredible. Let's see if why some girls turned off and some stayed turned on."

"Holly, why did you turn off?" he said to a young brunette in a black dress.

"Well, I'm not going to deny it was pretty amazing, but really Phil, I don't think I could take it and have him see everything about me, I like to keep a bit of mystery about me."

Sherlock nearly snorted in disbelief, this girl was as easy to read as an open book, he was sure you didn't need to be a genius to work that out, but then again, who knows what goes on in the minds of normal people.

"And Raine, you're light is still on!"

"Is it weird I found that really hot?" Raine said, "I mean, you can analyse me any day."

"Here that Sherlock?" called out Phil, "You can analyse her any day!"

Sherlock resisted the urge to: one, tell Phil, he had heard her without the need for him to repeat what she had just said and two, wink at her, which was bizarre, he had never had that urge before. Maybe John was right, this show was educational. In the most backward sense of the word.

"And Kaitlin, why are you still turned on?"

"Well Phil, I just found it fascinating. And look at him, he's gorgeous and so damn intelligent, how can I possibly be turned off?"

"Well Sherlock," said Phil, "You have a date! Now all you need is to choose!"

Sherlock did a mini dance in his head. Not because he had won a date, more to the fact he had proven John right. Oh God, not he had to choose. He briefly thought: _'Is doing eeniee- meanie- minie- mo too childish a method of choosing a date?'_


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: OK guys, here it is: the last chapter. Hope you guys had as much as I did :P.

"Alright Sherlock, I'll give you a chance to narrow it down to 2 girls, off you go!"

Sherlock walked down the aisle, to that incredibly annoying music. This whole concept for this idea was completely preposterous. At most he had heard 2 lines from each girl, how on earth was a normal person meant to make a decision from that. From looks. How superficial.

However, Sherlock Holmes was not a normal person. It took him a glance per person to work out whether he would like to spend an evening with them. He first turned off the light of a young redhead purely on the fact her dress was a size too small, possibly in an attempt to make her figure look 'better', anyone who could not dress themselves properly, in Sherlock's mind, was not worth the effort.

Now for the people who could not keep up with him intellectually. Not that any of them really could. But someone he could hold a conversation with, they did not even need to be top of the metaphorical class for that to work out. Just someone who was interesting. So two more girls who looked frightfully boring, with vacant expression and dopey grins were switched off. He was sure they were nice really. The crowd roared as they're favourites got switched off.

He briefly walked past the vet, whose fellow contestants were covering her buzzer. There was someone halfway interesting. Now to find someone else and he had another 4 buzzers to switch off. He buzzed someone just because they had a nervous nail biting habit. Anyone who would nibble on fake nails had to be turned off. Another one was a primary school teacher. He could not deal with anyone talking about children for extensive periods of time. He passed the tall girl with the green eyes. Interesting, she was a little harder to read than the others. That could be a basis for something. 2 girls left. Well, by process of elimination he had already picked his 2 girls, but now to buzz the remaining two, a banker and a dancer.

"Well Sherlock, what do we have here, Raine and Kaitlin!" the crowd roared, "Now the girls got to find out about you, it's now your turn to find out something about the girls!"

Sherlock clasped his hands, "Right girls, you know that I lead an almost superhero lifestyle, but my question for you is, if you were a superhero, who would you be?"

Kaitlin went first, "I think if I was a superhero I would be Jean Grey because I am passionate and fiery as a Phoenix and I think I could learn to read that brilliant mind of yours."

"And you, Raine," said Phil.

"Well, Sherlock, I wouldn't be a superhero at all, I would be the Lois Lane to your Superman."

The audience roared and Sherlock saw something he had missed, something that had been hidden very cleverly.

"Now Sherlock, you have to make a tough decision, which of these beautiful ladies are you going to take out?" Sherlock did not need to be asked twice, he had already made up his mind, went off and pushed the buzzer.

"And lets here it for the new couple!" Sherlock permitted himself to be hugged, "Raine and Sherlock! And where are they going?"

The crowd screamed, "FERNANDO'S"

Sherlock and Raine walked up the stairs, "I know what you do," he whispered into her ear, "And it isn't treating sick animals."

Raine glanced at him, as they turned to wave at the crowd, "Oh yeah, how did you know? I knew something had to give me away when I saw your 'skill'" she said out of the corner of her mouth.

They walked backstage, "You twirled your bracelet absentmindedly as you answered and I saw the tiny switch. A MI5 agent never goes anywhere unarmed."

She smirked at him, "I can assure you I am strictly here for pleasure, not business, I just can't be unarmed anywhere."

"Oh I know you're here for pleasure, you had that slight air of desperation about you."

She smacked him lightly on the chest, "Well you're stuck with me now. I'll see you on Fernando's," She said grinning and walked away.

Sherlock watched her down the hall. This was going to be interesting.

_Meanwhile, back on stage:_

"Now ladies, let's bring down our next guest,"

Out of the elevator walked a tall man.

"Well," said Phil, "Can you introduce yourself, please?"

"Hello, Phil, I am Dr. Sheldon Cooper and I am from Texas, USA"

END

A/N: Thank you to all my lovely reviewers, especially those who reviewed every chapter and I hope you liked the ending. Till the next series (when I'll probably be inspired again)!


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